after all this time.
i have found what i need.
exactly what i need.
the perfect stranger.
who really isn't a stranger at all anymore.
but in a way he still is.
i feel the need to empty my soul to him.
to tell him everything i am feeling,
to tell him all my darkest secrets.
i feel a longing for him when he isn't here.
i always used to say i dont need anyone,
i can do this on my own
but i can't.
i have never been able to be alone.
because i am afraid,
of what i will do,
and what will happen to me.
i need to feel wanted,
or i just feel ugly.
i don't know how i feel sometimes.
my world is a mess.
a jumbled mess of what has happened in my past.
i think it is time to let go.
of everything.
of mr.big,
of my army guy
of my buddy.
of everything that has tainted me.
or that i myself have tainted.
i hate being alone,
because i get caught up in my life.
i need to relax,
to take a step back,
to figure out where everything in my life is heading.
but that to me seems so boring.
i need to forget about everything i have learned in the past,
forget about everything i thought i knew about life.
because really, what do i know?
i know who i am,
and where i stand,
most of the time.
i don't know how i feel most of the time.
because i simply cannot tell if its how i actually feel
or if it is the way i think i should feel.
it is because of my past,
my present
and my future that people do not understand why i feel the need to wear this mask i do everyday.
to pretend like i am happy and that i do not need anyone.
because i do.
because i cannot suffer in this world alone.
because i am unhappy most of the time.
because i feel anxious about nothing.
because i feel that one day, no one is going to think i am pretty
or funny
or nice.
because i am a bitch.
because it is what i learned.
i shaved my head so i could feel ugly.
needless to say,

I do.

...has past,
and i feel like i am new again.
home for the summer, in paris, with nothing to do but bite my thumb and watch hours and hours on end of the food network
it's strange that everything comes back to you.
to mr fucking big.
i thought about his yesterday,
i thought about a lot of people from my past.
and i thought of all the mean things that were said to me
"lying cheating bitch"
"whore"
"btw your head sucks."
there was only one person able to say it to me.
to my face,
well, my technological face,
seeing as it was over text.
my buddy.
who has been my best buddy, my boyfriend, my love and my hate.

fuck him.

mr big changed my life in ways that make my heart still yearn for him,
my army guy has changed my future without realizing it.
and my buddy has changed my opinion of him.

needless to say,
i am ready to go back to ottawa.
and get out of the past memories that swirl around me.